Work relationship struggles, leadership principles, and a path to acceptance and forgiveness

This article was born from a collection of experiences, mine and those of people I have walked alongside over the years. The situations described are not one single story. They are many. And perhaps, in some way, they are yours too.

Read it with an open mind. You might recognise yourself, someone you know, or someone you once were.

Life is beautiful and a very complex matter. Work is a fundamental part of our lives, and relationships shape our experiences. This article explores the superpower of empathy, the impact of betrayal, and the journey of forgiveness. What happens when trust is broken? Have you experienced the pain of disloyalty and the confusion it causes? Have you ever tried to find your path to acceptance, overcoming, and forgiveness?

If you are thinking these are very intense topics, you are right. I am not going to lie to you, just like I will not lie in this article.

So, this is my challenge: I will try my best not to make you feel bored or that you have lost 15 minutes of your life. You will hopefully think and perhaps smile at my sarcasm.

The Broken Mirror

If you have ever broken a mirror, just be aware that according to a famous superstition, seven years of misfortune will follow. According to Italian custom, to cancel the curse, you can leave the mirror where it is for 7 hours, then get rid of it as far away from home as possible or bury it to prevent it from continuing to reflect your broken image.

What about a mirror broken figuratively? Imagine the mirror represents trust. Betrayal can shatter trust, leaving behind fragments of doubt, hurt, and feelings of abandonment and loneliness.

Betrayal is like being attacked with a Dagger to the back. You feel the pain and your instinct makes you turn. You imagine an unknown thief who wants your money even if you have none, or someone trying to start a career as a serial killer who selected you because you are too fat, too old, too gay, too Black, too normal, or just extremely “lucky” that day. You turn and, instead, you see someone you trusted. And you think: “Wha?”

When we feel betrayed or unsupported, we may become isolated and disoriented, much like a bewildered tiger lost in the wilderness. Sad image, but please do not try to pet the tiger.

It is essential to acknowledge the profound effect that lies and betrayal can have on our relationships, and to strive to cultivate honesty and loyalty. Easy to say, I know. Who would not betray someone if that betrayal means personal advantage at the other person’s expense? Really, would you?

I am sure many would go ahead and protect themselves, pretending to protect the business. They have their family to think about, and they can still give some money to charity to redeem themselves.

So, lies happen, a cold wall is naturally erected, and all communication is lost.

Mirror mirror on the wall, all the trust is going to fall,

in thousands of pieces you’re going to shatter, and the agenda is what will matter.

We can agree that openness and authenticity are essential in any relationship. I am confident that even a pathological liar and Cruella de Vil would state this while giving a speech about their company core values. But how much of ourselves are we ready to show to others in the workplace?

The most challenging part is not just acknowledging our flaws but showing them to others. This is what we call vulnerability, the most feared state of being.

Why are people scared of vulnerability? Because they fear losing control and credibility.

“I am a manager, a senior manager, a director… I am the light of the world, I am Superman, Wonder Woman…” Yes, in positions of power you need to hold it together. People are looking at you. But this does not mean you cannot show your vulnerability, which simply means showing that you are a human being too.

My therapist asked me to do the I am exercise: write “I am” followed by anything related to yourself. The first thing I wrote was: I am a manager! He wondered why so much seriousness. Are there not millions of other things before that?

So, on the same spirit, the best way to start showing vulnerability is to drop the “I am a manager, a senior manager, a director, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” and remember that you are a person first. Tell your team about errors you made. Tell them that you cry watching Bambi, that you secretly cuddle Grumpy of the Seven Dwarves, that a past long-term relationship has deeply affected your life. The risk is that some might take advantage of you. In time you will learn that trying to see the good in others can cost you later, and it will. But this is far better than becoming Joffrey Baratheon, Miranda Priestly, or Elle Driver. Guaranteed.

The Dagger

Empathy, the art of seeing through another’s eyes, can transform our workplaces into homes of trust and collaboration. When leaders, colleagues, and friends practice empathy, they create an environment where individuals feel valued and understood, like a harmonious symphony where each instrument plays its part.

True empathy involves a profound strength, enabling us to connect deeply with others while maintaining clear boundaries and expectations. Empathy must not be confused with weakness, leniency, or indulgence. It is, in fact, the major attribute of leadership. It involves a balanced approach that combines understanding with accountability, and it is crucial to maintain positive relationships with reports, peers, superiors, and, yes, Their High Holiness Congregation of Higher Management.

However, when empathy is absent, especially from those in positions of power, it can feel like a dagger to your back. The betrayal by a direct manager is the worst of all, as it strikes at the core of our professional and personal wellbeing.

A direct manager’s role is pivotal. Their actions and attitudes can either uplift or devastate. When you are a people manager, your team’s wellbeing should be your absolute priority. If you stab someone in your team, it is high treason. If we were living during the reign of Henry VIII, this crime would be punished by hanging, drawing, and quartering.

If you think I am being dramatic, you are not wrong. I am, after all, a descendant of the Ancient Greek Dramatists.

The Bewildered Tiger

In the vast wilderness, a tiger is often seen as the epitome of strength and independence. However, when isolated, even the mightiest tiger can feel the pangs of loneliness. Loneliness amplifies the tiger’s anger, leading to a sense of helplessness. The once majestic and confident creature now roams aimlessly, its roar echoing through the empty expanse, a cry for connection and understanding.

What about us being the tiger in our professional lives? With the dagger in our back and the mirror broken, we would be totally frustrated, hurt, and completely lost. Loneliness would amplify our frustration, and we would be desperate for help.

Transforming Pain into Acceptance, Overcoming, and Forgiveness

Can you forgive? Have you ever? Forgiveness is a powerful remedy, but the journey can be loaded with challenges. It involves releasing resentment, building empathy, and a willingness to see beyond the pain.

Acceptance

The first step is accepting the behaviour that caused you pain and the impact it is having on you. It does not mean condoning what happened but recognizing it and allowing yourself to process the emotions. This prevents you from being stuck in denial or anger.

Brace yourself, it is not easy. You might have actual physical pain and feel miserable. Take your time to be astonished, to cry, to scream, to wish them to burn their dinner and to get a little sick during a date. Take your time to think maybe it is not what it seems, maybe they care, bla bla bla. But after a certain point, you must accept the fact that they are like that, they do not care about you, they were following a script, they were playing the game.

Do you need to play the game too? Entirely up to you. In my opinion there is a limit to everything. If I want to play a game, I usually need a football, a field, and a card deck. At work I do not play. It is not a competition. I need to feel comfortable, free, myself. And don’t take me wrong, when it comes to compromise I am there: I play my abilities when talking to stakeholders, I am accommodating, open to listen and find solutions together, but your principles must remain intact.

Overcoming

Overcoming the pain involves working through your emotions and finding ways to cope with the hurt. This might include seeking support from friends, family, or professionals, engaging in self-care, and finding healthy ways of channeling your emotions. It also involves setting boundaries to protect yourself from future harm.

For instance, overcoming might involve having a candid conversation with the individuals who disrespected you. Now, this does not always work. Have you ever tried to clarify things with someone and at the end of the conversation realized that talking to your teddy bear would have been more effective? A wall between you and the other person. So, what do you do? You let it go.

If they are not prepared to be accountable for their actions, and ready to throw you under the bus to save themselves, that is their problem. Move forward, keep them happy with what they are looking for, and keep going. Talk to a trusted friend or therapist. Find ways to rebuild trust or set new boundaries. But move forward.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the final step, and often the most challenging. It requires a deep level of empathy, not only for others but also for yourself. Forgiveness means letting go of the desire for revenge or retribution and choosing to release the hold that the hurt has on you. This does not mean forgetting or excusing the behaviour. It means freeing yourself from the burden of carrying resentment.

The worst betrayal is often the one from your direct manager. If a peer or team member betrays you, you can turn to your manager for support. But if your manager is against you, whether acting alone or guided by higher forces, not having them on your side is the worst scenario you can face. Their influence on your career is enormous, which makes their betrayal particularly devastating.

Forgiveness allows you to reclaim your peace and move forward with a lighter heart. And sometimes, grace sounds as simple as:

“Have a nice day.”

Not spoken out of sarcasm, but from a place of integrity and quiet strength. Even when closure has not come and emotions are still raw, choosing kindness can be the first courageous step toward healing.

Leadership Enemies: The Three I’s

Ignorance. As used here, this does not relate to someone who has not attended college or has limited general knowledge. It relates to the ignorance of the soul. Some people with several qualifications and degrees are, on paper, great candidates for any organisation in their field. But whatever you study is supposed to enrich you. If you study without applying those concepts in everyday life, without allowing knowledge to open your mind and embrace the world in its entirety, you will remain forever ignorant. Perhaps with a title and great money, but still ignorant. The effects in the workplace? No empathy. Superficiality. Arrogance. No looking outside the box, and rushed decisions.

Impulsivity. Being impulsive is okay. Like all personality traits, the important thing is to acknowledge it and learn to manage it. If you make an impulsive decision, stop and reset. If a mistake was made, admit it and be accountable. If you do not, you can bring yourself and others into very unpleasant vortices. And if you are the one in power, others will suffer the consequences of your actions.

Insensitivity. Should a leader believe and cry at every sad story their reports tell them? Obviously not. But it is very clear when real empathy is present, and when it is not. When there are plain signs of distress, talk to the person in an open, constructive, caring way and make them feel safe. If they are not genuine, you will know. And if you do not, you will learn in the future. Take a chance. When you act with integrity, even if you make an error, it is never truly wrongdoing.

What should leaders do? Foster a positive environment, promote healthy behaviours, and educate people to be responsible while taking their work with a cheerful approach. Most importantly, invest in individuals who demonstrate commitment, loyalty, and a thirst for learning. Skills can be taught, but a positive attitude and dedication are the fertile soil from which success grows. A manager’s empathy and support can make a significant difference, shaping a real sense of belonging and purpose.

Conclusion

Empathy and open-mindedness are the gentle forces that bring us closer to understanding and connection. Lies and betrayal, like sharp spines, can wound deeply. But the journey of forgiveness is the healing balm that saves us. By cultivating healthy behaviours and investing in positive people, we create trust and resilience.

Moreover, always act with integrity and respect, even if it comes at a personal cost. Upholding your principles, even when it risks your position, ensures that you can sleep peacefully at night, knowing you have done the right thing.

Embrace the power of these principles and you will see the positive effects on your work relationships, and on yourself.